A special report we made up from nowhere near the Emirates
A
transcript of the crunch contract talks between Arsenal and star player
Robin van Persie could have been leaked if, indeed, such a document
existed.
We haven't managed to obtain an exclusive copy of the non-existent transcript, but we are able speculate wildly about its contents.
Wenger: Bonjour Robin. Croissant, pain au chocolat?
RVP: No thanksh, boss. I've got the missus is in the car and I've got to get to the shupermarket before eleven. Ronaldo and Arteta are coming over to watch the Championsh League again this weekend and it's my turn to get the beersh in. Shall we get down to bishnesh?
Wenger: Bien sur. As you know, Robin, we will be playing in ve Champions League again next season...
RVP: Cough... thanksh to me.
Wenger: Pardon?
RVP: Nothing. Carry on.
Wenger: Fanks to your goals vis season Robin, we will
be playing in ve Champions League again next season. We hope our consistent qualification for ve competition, your history wiv Arsenal, plus ve fact vat you are ve team captain will help you make ve right decision about your future. And of course, vat vis generous financial package demonstrates to you our absolute commitment to keeping you here...
[Wenger hands over contract]
[RVP reads contract mumbling almost inaudibly to himself]
RVP: £130,000 per week... £5m signing on fee...
[RVP stops. His face drops.]
RVP: Why has my car park shpashe been moved further away from the entransh?
Wenger: Vat is to make room for Podolski, Robin.
RVP: Why the f*!k has Podolski got my car park shpashe?
Wenger: He wanted ve same car park space number he had at Cologne. And he wanted to be next to Mertesacker. He likes to feel at home. He can be a bit funny like vat.
RVP: Sho, who will I be parking next to?
Wenger: Almunia and Chamakh...
RVP: Almunia?! Are you taking the pish?! And Chamakh?! Why don't you just put me between a programme sheller and f!*king shteward?!
Look, I want a car park shpashe next to Arteta and shomeone else... but not Arshavin, I'm not lishening to that boring bashtard every day. I heard enough about Zenit the firsht time round!
And by the way, if Chamakh and Almunia are going to be here nexsht sheashon, then you can shtick this contract up your...
Wenger: We will see what we can do. Moving on... You said vat vis may be a deal breaker but I'm afraid ironing creases into your sleeves before every game is just not possible.
RVP: Tell me this ishn't happening!
Wenger: Unfortunately ve heat from ve iron would melt ve Premier League badges off ve sleeves and you cannot play wivout vem.
RVP: Sho, buy a new iron.
Wenger: Vat is a big commitment, Robin, and after discussing it wiv ve board we are not willing to make vat kind of investment.
RVP: How do Manchester United and Manchester City have creases in their shleeves?
Wenger: It is true vat vere are plenty of good ones out vere vat can do ve job, but vey are very expensive and I will not pay over ve odds.
RVP: But investing in the besht is surely the club's aim.
Wenger: It is, but we have plenty of good players, I mean irons here, promising ones vat can be moulded into world class ones wivout spending money on new expensive ones.
RVP: Shomeone get me Fergie'sh number..
A
transcript of the crunch contract talks between Arsenal and star player
Robin van Persie could have been leaked if, indeed, such a document
existed.We haven't managed to obtain an exclusive copy of the non-existent transcript, but we are able speculate wildly about its contents.
Wenger: Bonjour Robin. Croissant, pain au chocolat?
RVP: No thanksh, boss. I've got the missus is in the car and I've got to get to the shupermarket before eleven. Ronaldo and Arteta are coming over to watch the Championsh League again this weekend and it's my turn to get the beersh in. Shall we get down to bishnesh?
Wenger: Bien sur. As you know, Robin, we will be playing in ve Champions League again next season...
RVP: Cough... thanksh to me.
Wenger: Pardon?
RVP: Nothing. Carry on.
Wenger: Fanks to your goals vis season Robin, we will
be playing in ve Champions League again next season. We hope our consistent qualification for ve competition, your history wiv Arsenal, plus ve fact vat you are ve team captain will help you make ve right decision about your future. And of course, vat vis generous financial package demonstrates to you our absolute commitment to keeping you here...
[Wenger hands over contract]
[RVP reads contract mumbling almost inaudibly to himself]
RVP: £130,000 per week... £5m signing on fee...
[RVP stops. His face drops.]
RVP: Why has my car park shpashe been moved further away from the entransh?
Wenger: Vat is to make room for Podolski, Robin.
RVP: Why the f*!k has Podolski got my car park shpashe?
Wenger: He wanted ve same car park space number he had at Cologne. And he wanted to be next to Mertesacker. He likes to feel at home. He can be a bit funny like vat.
RVP: Sho, who will I be parking next to?
Wenger: Almunia and Chamakh...
RVP: Almunia?! Are you taking the pish?! And Chamakh?! Why don't you just put me between a programme sheller and f!*king shteward?!
Look, I want a car park shpashe next to Arteta and shomeone else... but not Arshavin, I'm not lishening to that boring bashtard every day. I heard enough about Zenit the firsht time round!
And by the way, if Chamakh and Almunia are going to be here nexsht sheashon, then you can shtick this contract up your...
Wenger: We will see what we can do. Moving on... You said vat vis may be a deal breaker but I'm afraid ironing creases into your sleeves before every game is just not possible.
RVP: Tell me this ishn't happening!
Wenger: Unfortunately ve heat from ve iron would melt ve Premier League badges off ve sleeves and you cannot play wivout vem.
RVP: Sho, buy a new iron.
Wenger: Vat is a big commitment, Robin, and after discussing it wiv ve board we are not willing to make vat kind of investment.
RVP: How do Manchester United and Manchester City have creases in their shleeves?
Wenger: It is true vat vere are plenty of good ones out vere vat can do ve job, but vey are very expensive and I will not pay over ve odds.
RVP: But investing in the besht is surely the club's aim.
Wenger: It is, but we have plenty of good players, I mean irons here, promising ones vat can be moulded into world class ones wivout spending money on new expensive ones.
RVP: Shomeone get me Fergie'sh number..
